I wrote this column before Oct. 7, 2023, but it felt inappropriate to publish it after Oct. 7. Now, it is Purim. Time to ignore its joyous spirit completely? Time to celebrate it as usual? Neither seems right. I’m splitting the difference, publishing this column: It is a little lighter; that is my nod to Purim. It is not lighter by much; that is my nod to wartime.
Every family has some insider wisdom and witticisms. Here are some from our family, and a few I’ve collected from others.
MAX GOLDBERG
(my father; 1911-1972)
Influence is something you think you have until you try to use it.
I wish I had a rich father like you have.
Here lies Joe. He had the right of way.
Worrying is like being in a rocking chair. There’s a lot of action, but you don’t get very far.
Money is not the most important thing in the world . . . but it sure runs a close second.
My name used to be McGillicud-dy. But I changed it to Goldberg for business purposes.
Never ask for advice unless you are prepared to follow it.
“Smile, Joe, things could always be worse.” Joe: “I smiled, and sure enough, things got worse.”
I don’t want to be a millionaire. I just want to live like one.
Enjoy your health while you have it.
MIRIAM GOLDBERG
(my mother; 1916-2017)
Always do your best, but never tell anyone it’s your best.
The most expensive things in life are those that are for free.
If it happens to you, it’s one hundred percent.
If you want to keep a secret, don’t tell anybody. (Variation: There are no secrets in this world.)
You never have to answer what you weren’t asked.
That would come under the category of if you’ve told one lie, you’ve got to tell another.
I always think that if you stay friends with someone l-o-n-g e-n-o-u-g-h (such as by meeting their publicity requests), it will pay off . . . of course you see I’m planning to live a lot longer than 120.
Be thankful for what you don’t have.
ELAINE GOLDBERG
(my wife)
Friends are the family we choose for ourselves.
HILLEL GOLDBERG
Not only did I like your book, I read it.
You don’t have to defend what you didn’t say.
Prayer is the only medicine with no side effects.
When in doubt, leave out.
Descartes said, “I think, therefore I am.” About G-d we may say, “I am, therefore I am.”
If you want me to speak for two hours, I can do it now. If you want me to speak for five minutes, I need two weeks to prepare.
Exercisers hurt themselves — a small price compared to the price paid by non-exercisers.
The more I throw out, the more I end up with.
Adjectives and adverbs are the enemy of persuasion.
[Emphasis persuades only the people who already agree with you; restraint goes further with opponents.]
Interactions
“I don’t have the courage of your convictions.” — When I’m criticized for not writing an opinion that my critic believes, but won’t write himself.
“I knew you two feet ago.” — When I meet a 20-year-old who says. “I am the son of (someone I know), but the person in front of me I haven’t seen since he was a child.
“It’s genetic . . . I get it from them.” — When I receive a compliment about my children’s writing.
“I heard of it.” — Smiling, if introduced to someone from the Center of the Universe, i.e., New York City.
HARRY M. HARRIS
(my mother’s father; 1874-1945)
Every hour of sleep before midnight is worth two hours of sleep after midnight.
MINNIE S. HARRIS
(my mother’s mother; 1883-1978)
Badgered by a doctor assuring her that she, in pain, is fine; or, warned by a doctor that she, not in pain, is in peril: “It’s how you feel that counts.”
WILLIE GOLDBERG
(my father’s brother; 1897-1993)
Living in Salt Lake City, he was solicited by Mormons seeking to convert him. He left them speechless with this baffling non-sequitur: “I’m sorry, but my religion does not permit conversion.”
JUDGE CHARLES GOLDBERG
(my brother)
Another day, maybe, another dollar.
OVERHEARD
Thank G-d for the prayers that were not answered. — Rabbi Joseph B. Soloveitchik
An expert is someone who knows everything . . . but nothing else. — Abba Eban
They remember you by the last five minutes. — Steve Halpin, Sr., a Denver percussionist who spent WW II entertaining the troops in a US Army band, observed: If you played a great evening but messed up the last five minutes, they said you were ter-rible. If you played lousy but finished in a flourish, they said you were great. They remember you by the last five minutes.
G-d, please give me patience . . . right now! — Andrea Hyatt
Whoever says you can’t judge a book by its cover never tried to sell one. — Rabbi Meir Zlotowitz, founder of Artscroll Publishing
Success is a poor teacher. — Michael Staenberg
When we fled the Nazis, leaving wonderful Vienna behind, it was the worst day of my life. Years later, when we learned what happened, I realized, it was the best day of my life. — Erwin Kastzl
Getting old is good. Getting elderly is not.
What do you say to a person on his 120th birthday? Have a nice day.
— Rabbi Emanuel Feldman
Isn’t it a coincidence? Of all the grandchildren in the world . . . mine are the cutest. — David Boyles
“Mr. 50,000 Words.” — Japan’s Foreign Minister in 1940, Yosuke Matsukoa, “The Talking Machine,” erratic, contradictory. brilliant, confusing, dangerous
The one thing two Jews can agree on is what a third Jew should give. — Gene Kay
Marriage is a two-way street . . . the other way. — Rabbi Isaac Wasserman
What you keep for yourself, you leave behind. What you give away, you take with you. — Ita Ettil Kaminetsky
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