When an older sibling leaves for college, what’s next?

CHANGE and college. College and change. It’s like these two words were meant for each other, like peanut butter and jelly, a bat and a ball, Minnie and Mickey Mouse.

College is that time of one’s life that allows new avenues to be explored, to learn how to live outside the nest. It’s a big adjustment for every family member. Parents have less laundry and dishes to wash. Older siblings no longer have to play chauffeur to the younger siblings. The younger sibling might finally get the bigger bedroom in the house.

These are all obvious, visible changes. The emotional changes that are running high are not as concrete. Parents are more notorious for vocalizing that they will miss their children, understandably.

But what about the younger sibling that gets left at home and is now like an only child? Are they excited to get all the attention? Worried to not have someone to talk to with relationship problems? Relieved to not have a pesky older sibling nagging their every move?

BRIDGET Berkow, Jake Lazear, and Melissa Oxenhandler have all dealt with older siblings leaving for college. Each had a different relationship before his or her brother or sister left but now, they all share something in common.

Jake and his brother, Alex, are three years apart. Before Alex left for UNC, they were not the closest of siblings. Jake thinks they just spent too much time together in the house. Seeing someone at all waking hours can drive people apart, especially when buttons know how to be pushed.

Bridget and her sister, Alexis, are four years apart. In contrast to the Lazear brothers, the Berkow sisters have always been exceptionally close. Bridget thinks this is because their parents instilled in them a strong relationship and they just get along well.

In the middle of the sliding scale of sibling relationships lie the Oxenhandlers. Melissa is the youngest of three; her brother, Daniel, is six years older and her sister, Jenna, is three years older. When Daniel moved out, being much older and always busy with activities in high school, the family dynamic shift didn’t seem too drastic. With him at CU, he wasn’t very far away.

Three years later, when Jenna left, it was a drastic change, because the two did many things together, including raising chickens and ducks.

“It was weird at first, getting used to having both my parent’s attention. My dad was working in Washington DC so it was just my mom and I. My mom and I have gotten a lot closer because it was just the two of us,” says Melissa.

WEIRD, sad, excited, and just plain different – emotions that all three felt when they became the only child living at home.

“I was sad when she left, but at the time, I was excited to be an only child,” says Bridget.

As the  saying goes, you always want what you can’t have. Yet, when that wished-for dream becomes reality, the previous reality is sometimes wanted back.

For Bridget, that excitement only lasted about a month. She says “if I knew what I know now then I wouldn’t be excited” to have my older sister leave.

Jake “didn’t enjoy [being an only child] but I didn’t hate it either. It was an adjustment having all my parent’s attention focused on me. [However], I’m glad I had that time as an only child.”

While college and moving away from the comfort of home are inevitable, there is no true way to mentally prepare for the change. The change that ensues can seem like a curve ball just got thrown right at your face, without time to blink, react, and get out of the way. It might not seem real until that last hug is had as the family leaves the older child, alone, in the college parking lot, and drives away.

All three families were there for each other, to comfort one another in this time of unknown.

“When I first moved him in [to college], I felt like I was going to miss him a lot. I got a bit emotional and was quite surprised by how emotional I got,” Jake says.

For all the families, it was an adjustment to get used to, but all three would agree that the change brought their families closer together.

Melissa reveals, “My family has always been really close but living apart from each other has gotten us a lot closer. We keep in really good contact. We talk to my brother twice as much now [he lives in India] than when he was living two hours away. Being far away from each other made us a lot closer because now we appreciate the time we do have together, which is not very often.”

Taking the time to remain in contact with each other is very important. The Oxenhandler family holds a weekly Skype session so that everyone can talk at the same time. The Berkow sisters rarely go a day without communicating in some manner, either through text messages or phone calls. Bridget knows this isn’t normal. The Lazear brothers send quick Facebook messages to stay up-to-date with the other. No matter the mode, setting aside time to communicate is key.

As the three younger siblings get ready to leave the nest and follow in their brother’s or sister’s footsteps, the older child is able to dish out advice about living in a dorm and getting involved in activities.

No matter where life will take the siblings, they now, more than ever, value having a sibling.

Bridget says, “I appreciate her [Alexis] more now since I know what it’s like not to have her. It’s weird not having her there whenever I need her.”

Copyright © 2013 by the Intermountain Jewish News