CHANUKAH EDITION
SECTION E PAGE 12
ITS not uncommon for Jewish authors to scour Genesis for guidelines on how to establish healthy and avoid dysfunctional relationships.
While there are plentiful examples of loving emotions in the first book of the Torah, we generally focus on the perplexing ones.
Cain spills his brothers blood. Abraham takes Isaac to Mt. Moriah to sacrifice him. Rachel disguises her favorite child Jacob so that Isaac will bless the other son.
Our challenge as Jews is gleaning the right lessons embedded in both text and experience.
Rabbi Gavriel Goldfeder of Boulders Kehillath Aish Kodesh examines both in his literate and very personal book, Relationship 1:1: The Genesis of Togetherness.
We would be hard pressed to find a single relationship in Genesis that is simple, clear and loving from beginning to end, he writes. Thats good news, because our relationships are not simple and loving from beginning to end.
He devotes a chapter to each corresponding portion in Genesis. However, instead of merely recounting events and drawing obtuse conclusions, he pairs them with highly innovative concepts.
Bereshit is about transition; Noach, the Other; Lech Lcha, pushing; Vayera, longing; Chaye Sarah, humility; Toldot, maintenance; Vayetze, change; Vayishlach, update; Vayeshev, time; Miketz; shame; Chanukah, the pits; Vayigash, integrity; Vayechi, motion.
Taken together, the chapters encapsulate every stage of the marital relationship including the beginning, when single human beings transition from self-absorbed isolation to love and its attendant responsibilities. The chronology of the Torah narrative is intentional, and instructive.
Adams story is common to all men and women, Goldfeder writes. Each of us grows up as the most important occupant of our world. We spend two decades or more living in that story, building a sense of who we are, what we want to do, and what pleases us.
G-d gives us time to cultivate our unique identity, power, importance and divinity everything Adam had before he met Chava.
And then we are meant to get married, where the coin of the realm is humility, caring, compromise and cooperation.
Somewhere between alone-divine-complete and together-human- incomplete, our married life plays out.
GOLDFEDER juxtaposes textual reflection with examples from his marriage in real time, baring his heart to reveal the bumpy yet ultimately rewarding path toward relationship.
Before he married Ketriellah, Goldfeder writes that his days were filled with Torah study and prayer bliss! Life was stimulating and fulfilling. I had a sense of purpose and clear measures of success.
Marriage, while intoxicating, initially challenged his self-contained existence.
I felt inadequate, he admits, fumbling through many an interaction. Frankly, I was inexperienced at considering the needs of another person.
I could learn a page of Talmud but did not want to apply myself to Ketriellahs vocabulary, body language, moods and rhythms.
Given the discrepancy between being a pretty good yeshiva student and a fairly lousy husband, I chose to spend as much time as possible in the yeshiva, where I wasnt a dunce.
(On a score of pure candor, this admission scores a perfect 10.)
In the chapter on Noach (the Other), Goldfeder relates another anecdote that will no doubt fall on familiar ears.
He began dating Ketriellah in the fall. When Chanukah rolled around and they exchanged gifts, Goldfeder gave her what he considered a priceless artifact his Star Wars C-3PO Pez dispenser.
I was shocked that she didnt appreciate it, he laments. Granted, the beautiful hand-made bowl and gloves she gave me were amazing presents, but how could she not see the value of my C-3PO dispenser?
Thank G-d she helped me understand that, though such a prize might well be invaluable in my world, it was a mere trinket in hers.
Giving is hard. To do it properly, we have to look closely at the receivers world, letting go of our own fixation on what we value.
Just as Noach focused on understanding and accommodating the animals needs, Goldfeder says human beings should spend time practicing partner-absorption on a daily basis and act accordingly.
Ketriellah Goldfeders presence is palpable in Relationship 1:1.
As the rabbi says in the introduction, Most of all I am grateful to my wife, Ketriellah, with whom I have experienced most of what this book discusses.
I appreciate her willingness to allow me to write about our relationship so openly. Her wisdom is woven throughout these pages, explicitly mentioned only occasionally but always there.
For some of us, finding a loving relationship seems as unlikely as inhabiting Mars. We look at couples that have enjoyed 40 or 50 years of marriage like aliens.
But perhaps we are the ones who are strangers in a strange land, unable to hurdle self-imposed boundaries that prevent us from walking through life loved and loving.
Goldfeders analysis of Genesis and its application to marriage are invaluable. Relationship 1:1 makes Genesis accessible to 21st-century readers of all religions and anyone in search of a lasting union.
Copyright © 2011 by the Intermountain Jewish News