Friday, May 29, 2020 -
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Your match

Dear Tzviling,

I come from a traditional family and am in the process of looking for a shidduch.

I am new at this and am not sure what to look for. What is important? What is not?

I have dated many boys, but my father didn’t agree to any of them. One was too loud, one was too quiet, one vertically challenged, one gastronomically enhanced; it seems each one had a different reason to be rejected by my father.

I was recently introduced to a boy who just might be my bashert — the one meant for me. He looks and talks exactly like my father. My father adores him.

What do you think?

Zahava, Outremont

Dear Zahava,

How do you know your mother will like him?

Seriously, you are not alone. There are many singles looking for their soulmates and are experiencing similar rounds of indecision. Following are the seven habits of highly effective shidduchim:

1)  Have realistic expectations from your soon-to-be lifelong partner. The goals should not be coming from the movies or the internet. The key is to find the person who shares your ideals and goals and will make you become a better person.

2)  Do an adequate research prior to the first date. Remember, finding a shidduch is not like purchasing a car with the option of trading it in at a later date.

Cash for clunkers does not apply to shidduchim. The research should include his friends (current and prior, married and single), his educators, neighbors, employers, etc.

3) Plan to meet at least twice before deciding it’s not for you. Unless it’s an obvious mismatch made in Chelm, give the relationship time before making any decision.

4) Don’t look for the perfect person. He has not been created yet. And if you do meet the perfect boy, he would be looking for the perfect girl.

5) Make sure your partner is someone who performs acts of chesed (kindness). This should head the list of character traits in the one you’re looking for.

6) Find out how well the boy relates to his family. How well does he relate to children? This is a good barometer reading of what to expect in the family you will build.

7) Remember, that G-d directs traffic when it comes to shidduchim, Ask yourself what are the qualities you need in your partner, not (necessarily) the qualities you want. Just remember:

When you meet your shidduch, would you recognize him?

More letters in this week’s IJN. Order your copy from Carol at (303) 861-2334 or

Send your questions to, to be answered with wit, wisdom and humor by identical twins Rabbis Yisroel Engel (Denver) and Shloime Engel (Montreal) who share their combined 100 years of experience.

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