I gotta hand it to UNESCO.
It has declared — finally! — that the Tomb of Rachel is an Islamic holy site, “an integral part of Palestine.”
In clarifying this matter once and for all, UNESCO really straightened out a lot of things for me. Now I know:
St. John’s Cathedral is a synagogue.
Colorado Christian University is a yeshiva.
Jewish Theological Seminary trains Catholic priests.
Pope Francis had a Bar Mitzvah.
Rabbi Jonathan Sacks was baptized.
Rev. Billy Graham studies Torah on Shavuos all night long.
Saudi Arabia hates theocracy.
The Western Wall copied China’s Great Wall.
Via Dolorosa is an Italian boulevard.
Mt. Sinai is a climbing wall.
An ashram is a lunchroom.
A streimel is a kid’s blanket.
It’s not only religion that UNESCO straightened me out for me. For the courage to tell the truth — that Hebron’s Cave of the Patriarchs (Abraham, Isaac and Jacob; Sarah, Rebeccah and Leah) is also and exclusively an Islamic holy site (“integral part of Palestine”) — I can now figure out:
Lincoln is buried in Grant’s tomb.
Joe Lieberman was the first Jewish vice president.
The unknown soldier was Gen. George Patton.
Peyton Manning holds the all time homerun record.
Yasir Arafat was a humanitarian.
Cigarettes are good for you.
Switzerland is ugly.
Landfills are beautiful.
Yankee Stadium is a football field.
Harvard is a community college.
Berkeley is the capital of California.
Spoiled food is tasty.
But it goes deeper. The real courage of UNESCO is in its declaration that the Western Wall in Jerusalem is NOT an extension of the al-Aqsa Mosque there. Wow! Breathtaking. Now I get it:
The Torah is not the Koran.
The New Testament is not a comic book.
Hillary Clinton is not a man.
Troy Tulowitzky is not a Colorado Rockie.
Charity is not a capital gain.
Iron Dome is not a building.
Yom Kippur is not a fish.
Lions are not lizards.
Choices are not coerced.
Ayatollahs are not fuzzy.
Mt. Everest is not a sand dune.
Yes is not no.
And to think, all of this newfound wisdom I would not have gained had it not been for the brave pronouncements of the United Nations Educational, Scientific, and Cultural Organization.
Where do I go to make a contribution?
How do I thank UNESCO directly?
I want to bless UNESCO from the bottom of my heart and head.
My . . . bottomless head.
Yes, that’s the gift I got from UNESCO.
A bottomless head.
It takes a special kind of idiot to grasp the profound truths of UNESCO.
Which means that now, based on the coming bestseller, UNESCO For Idiots, I can predict its next truths:
Judaism is an Instagram.
Jerusalem is Mecca.
IDF is Islamic Devotional Fatwas.
Hebrew is a hockey puck.
Reality is unnecessary.
Take a bow, UNESCO.
Copyright © 2015 by the Intermountain Jewish News