A Jewish son or daughter comes home for the holidays sporting a bizarre haircut, addicted to strange music, vociferously defending radical causes.
Its just a phase, parents sigh. It will pass.
But what if that young adult embraces a new religion not Catholicism, Islam or Buddhism but Orthodox Judaism?
For parents, its the perfect time to sample PORC: Parents of Religious Children.
PORC was founded eight years ago by Denverites Risa Buckstein, Anne Angerman and Dorothy Lepoff.
These women faced the same challenge coming to grips with a childs decision to become Orthodox while keeping the family loving and whole.
Parents who sought out PORC reflected many different religious backgrounds, says Buckstein, director of CAJEs IST and the mother of three sons, two of whom are now Orthodox.
Our commonality was that we all had kids on a Jewish journey, she says.
We also were afraid we might lose our close relationship with them. That was one of our greatest concerns.
Anne Angerman, a clinical social worker and Temple Sinai member whose daughter Leah is Orthodox, agrees.
The main goal was staying connected to our children, says Angerman, who has two other children. We didnt want to lose them.
We didnt want to live an Orthodox lifestyle ourselves, yet we wanted to be supportive of theirs.
Whether a child is raised Reform or closer to the tenets of Orthodox Judaism, abandoning the religious traditions of their youth can cause tremendous familial strife.
My home was always kosher, Buckstein says. My kids grew up at BMH-BJ. I work in Jewish education. It didnt make the emotional part easier, but at least I had a framework.
Religious children bring new conflicts to the family table.
For instance, they can no longer share family meals due to the absence of kashrut, or refuse to attend certain family celebrations because it goes against their religious convictions, says Buckstein.
Additionally, the well intentioned may throw negative stereotypes into the pot: Youre daughter is going to cover her hair when she gets married? Its so archaic!
It really presents a whole new set of challenges, Buckstein says.
PORC offers parents a safe environment to tackle a range of issues and brainstorm solutions, says Lepoff, currently in Israel with her Orthodox daughter, son-in-law and grandchildren.
There are problems with siblings, the Temple Sinai member e-mails, for example, when one sibling is not at all religious and the other one is. How do you deal with this and make everyone content with the outcome?
Today, a core group of about five to six women attend PORC meetings on a regular basis.
Its as if they can complete one anothers thoughts because theyve all been down the same rocky road.
In most cases, acceptance replaces shock. Parents visit their Orthodox children in Israel for the holidays. Observant children feel comfortable in their parents homes. Siblings are relatively OK with their big brothers unusual lifestyle.
Eating arrangements, once a major problem, run smoothly. There are separate pots, pans and plates for the baal teshuva (one who returns). Vegetarian dishes are served instead of meat. Even the oven is kashered.
The onus of adapting to a childs Orthodox lifestyle falls squarely on the parents, says Buckstein.
We realized that an Orthodox individual cant make the adjustment to us, she says. It doesnt fit in with their religious obligations. So we have to learn how to adjust to them.
Linda Leonard, Temple Sinais music director, used to live in Cheyenne, Wyoming. From 1986-1996, Leonard, her husband Jon Singer and their three children drove their van to Denver to celebrate Shabbat at Temple Sinai.
The family moved to Denver in 1996 and became quite active in the temple.
Josh Singer, Lindas eldest son and an accomplished musician, graduated Julliard in 2004 and moved to Cleveland the following year to attend the Cleveland Music Conservatory for his masters.
He located an apartment on the Internet.
It was right in the middle of the Orthodox community, says Leonard. It just happened to be that way.
Josh met an Orthodox woman who introduced him to her Orthodox friends. All the shops and synagogues were in walking distance.
Its like it was meant to be for Josh, she says.
Leonard says that although she didnt feel the need for PORC, I admit I was interested. That was two years ago. Now I really enjoy being with these women.
She also appreciates sharing familiar anecdotes and expanding her own learning curve.
We talk about what to do when your child comes home; keeping kosher, things like that. When youve heard from people who have been doing this a while, you realize its doable. It can work.
Two years ago, Leonard visited Josh at Machon Shlomo Yeshiva in Jerusalems Har Nof neighborhood, where hes studied since 2006.
Thanks to PORC, I knew what to wear, she laughs.
She describes PORC as very accepting, absolutely. To be honest, Im hearing that parents are learning so much from their children: what a Jew should do, whats expected from a Jew. Its as if the parents Judaism has been enhanced through their kids.
Buckstein says her sons Adam, 30, and Michael, 31, first developed a fascination for Orthodox Judaism when they went on IST.
Adam, who has one daughter, lives in Passaic, NJ. Michael, who is married to an Orthodox woman, lives in Cedarhurst, NJ.
I just ran into a woman who came to PORC several years ago, Buckstein says. She asked whether our group was still going on. When I said yes, she said, Im beyond that now.
I think there are more women out there who could benefit from PORC, says Buckstein.
Once a woman came to us who was in the denial phase. Another said, I can really handle this on my own. But I think a lot of people need to reconcile whats going on in their families.
Anne Angermans daughter Leah, now 27, went on IST and bonded with her religious counselors.
I think thats when it started, she says of Leahs spiritual development.
After IST, Leah returned to Israel with a secular program. Although she intended to attend a secular university in the US, she stayed in Israel to attend a religious girls seminary.
Her decision to become an Orthodox Jew was more of a surprise than a shock, Angerman says. She grew up Reform and had a Bat Mitzvah. We celebrated the holidays, but her choice was not part of our lifestyle.
Leah is marrying an Orthodox man this summer. Neither of her siblings is very religious, Angerman notes.
Parental responses to a childs religious choice vary, she says.
I think it has to do with your expectations and dreams. There are different attitudes and feelings about a child who chooses to become Orthodox.
Angerman is a big believer in the group process.
Ive facilitated many groups and I think theyre effective. We wanted to find people in our same situation who wanted to discuss the issues.
The derivation of the name PORC is unclear.
Angerman recalls that the Denver group wanted to emulate a national organization called PORC.
Bucksteins recollections differ.
I was part of the group that developed the name which of course is an acronym. But it also was a definite play on words.
Many in the community were offended by the moniker, Angerman Buckstein concede.
Its all about having a sense of humor, Angerman says. Being too serious isnt productive but humor can really help.
According to Synagogue 3000s Synagogue Studies Institute, more American Jews are expressing interest in the study and experience of spirituality and Orthodox Judaism, one of the major demographic growth sectors in the Jewish community, is a primary reason.
If the trend continues, PORC will play an even larger role here in Denver and cities across the US.
There is a mode of acceptance among todays Orthodox leadership that welcomes Jews wherever they are on the religious spectrum, Buckstein says.
There are a lot of baalei teshuvah out there lots and lots.
Because baalei teshuvah are not Orthodox by birth, adult children who prefer Orthodox Judaism to their birth denomination will undoubtedly increase.
PORC, which has 15 members on its permanent mailing list, opens it arms to new drop-ins searching for answers in confusing times.
The parents who dont do any learning or stretching are going to have a much harder time adjusting to this, Angerman says. The more I learn, the better I am.
Although PORCs core membership has evolved beyond the severe personal crises that led to the groups formation, they still require emotional tune-ups.
We discuss real life, everyday issues at the meetings, Lepoff writes. We are a true support group in that we really support one another.
PORCs existence is disseminated by word of mouth, friend to friend.
Buckstein stresss that the tentative stranger is always welcome at meetings.
Were very accepting of those who are still caught in the oh my G-d stage, she says. Thats why we have a drop-in policy. If you need us, were here for you.
