Friday, July 19, 2019 -
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No regrets

It shouldn’t take a diagnosis of cancer or other life threatening illness to make us “wake up” to wanting to live our lives more fully. Yet, for many of us, the sense of urgency that comes with having a disease or serious medical condition is often the impetus for just that sort of wake up call.

When my husband, Ray, was diagnosed with cancer five years ago, we became a team as we faced the challenges of living with cancer. From the onset, we talked openly about risks and probabilities as we aggressively researched and pursued treatments and clinical trials. We got help from all sorts of medical and alternative healing sources, and were supported beautifully by family and friends. But what helped us most was a philosophy that we embraced throughout the three and a half years that Ray lived.

“Live with no regrets” became the mantra we used to prioritize our relationships and choices. “Will I regret this?” became the threshold question we would ask in making daily decisions.

Should we tell the kids about the risks of treatment? Yes, no regrets. Should we remodel our 35-year-old bathroom? Do it now. No regrets. Should Ray contact a friend in the hopes of resolving a painful interaction? Definitely. No regrets. Should we take that family cruise to Alaska even if we weren’t sure how Ray might feel? Why wait? No regrets.

When it became clear that the final months of Ray’s life were at hand, “no regrets” was the compass that directed us in our interaction with others. We attempted to do all we could to ensure that our children, family and friends would have no regrets after Ray was gone. He was able to tell people what he wanted them to know and hear what they needed to say. It was a gift of time, honesty and truth, for Ray and for all of those who knew him.

Living with no regrets takes a great deal of intentional living. Dying with no regrets takes a life well-lived and well-loved.

The new year is often a time when we reflect on the past and consider what changes we would like to see in the year ahead. In some ways, the calendar beckons us to “begin again” and inspires us to make resolutions with the hope that setting goals for the coming year will result in positive change.

With that in mind, I would like to offer “Lederman’s Top Ten” ideas for living with no regrets in 2017:

1. Consider that experiences often bring more happiness than material possessions.

2. Create a bucket list. Cross off at least one thing every six months.

3. Be alive and present to what you have in the moment.

4. Find something to be grateful for every day.

5. Be present in your relationships. Being present keeps you focused and aware and is a path to intimacy, authenticity, friendship and love.

6. Communicate, even when its hard. Speak from your heart and remember that words from the heart go to the heart.

7. Do not be afraid to make mistakes. Living with no regrets does not mean living with no mistakes. It’s better to say “Oops!” than to wonder “What if . . . ?”

8. Always remember that it’s never too late to get it right! (whatever “right” means to you!)

9. Don’t spend your time worrying about staying on top — being popular, beautiful, admired. These are fleeting qualities. Letting go of that can enable you to be more and do more of what you want.

10. Never regret a single moment of the journey. If it wasn’t your destination, it was part of your preparation.

Living with no regrets means living authentically, honestly, openly, and lovingly.

And for those who are able to follow this path, life, no matter how challenging, will offer a deeper sense of meaning and purpose.

Copyright © 2016 by the Intermountain Jewish News

Amy Lederman

IJN Columnist | Reflections

2 thoughts on “No regrets

  1. Sam Rubinson

    Dear Amy,

    I am sorry it has taken me so long to write a reply to your column in The Jewish News but I just figured out that it could possibly be done on line. I read your column whenever it appears and I am really touched by the ones where you mention your husband, Ray. I am very sorry for your loss. I walk in your shoes and I can easily relate to you. I can tell how wonderful your relationship was by what you write. I too lost my wife 6 years ago after a beautiful 30 year marriage. She was two weeks from her 52nd birthday. She fought her cancer through four years of treatment and I was actively involved every step of the way. I am sure I could not have handled it as well as she did if the roles were reversed. I only now realize her strength and bravery. I never thought it could happen again, but G-d was gracious enough to me that I fell in love with another wonderful woman several years later. However, she developed cancer also and passed away a couple of years ago. I try to be positive and am very grateful that I had these two women in my life, even though they were taken from me prematurely. I guess this makes me an expert in handling loss of loved ones, but as you know it is something you never get used to and never get over. I have become a great listener and try to reach out to anyone I know who has gone through these unfortunate experiences. If there is any way I can help you through your loss, I would be happy to do so. Please don’t hesitate to contact me.

    1. Amy Lederman

      Dear Sam,
      Thank you so much for your lovely email. I am so sorry for your losses. You truly sound like you appreciate all of the love that you have had despite them. So much of how we live after the death of our loved ones lies in our attitude about our own life, don’t you think?
      I wish you all the best and hope that you will find joy in the days ahead.


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