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Loving our children: Separately but equal

MY son called from college the other night and asked to talk to his sister.

“She’s out at a poetry reading,” I answered casually. “How are things with you?”

“What do you mean she’s OUT?” he exclaimed indignantly. “You let her stay out past 10 p.m. on a school night?”

I braced myself for the inevitable — the consistent complaint that followed me throughout their childhood like a well-trained dog.

 

“You never let me do that at her age! That’s so unfair!”

 

I gave him my time-tested answer, the one I always give when my children complain of being treated differently. An answer born from years of parenting which has taught me that diffusing a situation with humor usually works best.

“I let her stay out later because her criminal record is shorter than yours.”

He laughed for a moment, but then his voice turned serious.

“No, mom, I mean it. Why does she get to do so many things differently than I did at her age?”

How could I explain to my 19-year-old son that we viewed each of our children with the same loving eyes but recognized from the start that they each was unique, special and very different from one another, requiring us to respond differently throughout their childhoods.

That we made our decisions as parents based on who they were as individuals — because of how they acted and related to others, how they felt about themselves, what they loved and hated, what made them feel afraid, nervous or tense.

Surely it would have been easier to treat them the same, to make uniform decisions that applied across the board. But our parental instincts told us to respond to each child  according to his or her unique temperament, personality and needs as they emerged, even though it was not easier or less stressful for us to do so at the time.

From the earliest of times it was understood that a child should be trained according to his mental, emotional and physical abilities. “Educate a child according to his way,” the Book of Proverbs teaches us. (22:6)

We are cautioned however, to avoid favoring one child over the other because of their abilities, blood line or lineage.

Playing favorites with our children can fill a family with jealousy, contempt and hatred and cause rifts that last well beyond the lifetime of the parent.

THE Bible is replete with stories of sibling rivalry caused by parental favoritism. Abraham favored Isaac over Ishmael, Rebecca loved Jacob more than Esau, and Jacob loved Joseph more than any of his other 12 children, which as we know, almost cost Joseph his life.

Our children are entitled to feel equally loved and treasured by us, even though this does not always equate into being treated equally by us.

Simply put, loving equally doesn’t mean loving in precisely the same way. For children to experience that they are loved equally demands that you know how to love them differently, since each is unique.

In our home we gave our children different bedtimes, sent them to different summer camps and let them ride the city bus and walk to the mall at different ages.

Each decision was based on individual abilities and fears as well as maturity and confidence.

When children are little it is hard to explain the reasons behind parenting decisions. Yet, it is important to take the time to admire their different strengths and assure them they are loved for who they are.

One way is to create a special time each week to tell them. We created that time every Friday night when we blessed our children. When they were young, we told them out loud what we loved about them and why we loved being their parents.

As they got older (and more embarrassed by us), we whispered special blessings in their ears. Sometimes, it was the only time of the week our teenage son let us hold him close! It was a time we all counted on and needed to celebrate who they were and reassure them that they were special and loved.

In this hectic world where school, work, social, religious and community obligations infringe on precious family time, it becomes even more important to carve out time to assure our children that they are loved —  separately but equally — and give them the confidence and support they need to pursue their own unique paths into adulthood.

Making that time can make all the difference in the world.

Copyright © 2010 by the Intermountain Jewish News



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IJN Columnist | Reflections


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