The week before Passover I gave a talk in Florida called Got Guilt? to a large group of Jewish women. I called my mother before I got on the plane to say goodbye, like I always do. She was quiet, in a surly sort of way, so I knew something was wrong.
Okay, mom, whats up? I asked.
Oh, nothing, really. Except that Im sure you told me you couldnt come to New Jersey for our seder because you didnt want to travel so much anymore. And now youre going to Florida where none of your family lives. But suit yourself.
I hung up the phone and thought, Gee, I really dont need to prepare for this talk. I can just call my mother and put her on speakerphone for a half-hour!
We have all heard jokes about Jewish guilt, especially relating to Jewish mothers. Its a topic that everyone can relate to, at least everyone I know.
But what is guilt? And is there really such a thing as Jewish guilt that differs from generic I feel awful because I just finished a pint of Ben and Jerrys guilt?
I started my research about guilt by asking people I know what they feel guilty about. And this is what I learned:
Ellen feels guilty because she doesnt call her mother enough but Janet feels guilty because her 24-year-old daughter cant do anything without calling her first to check in.
Gayle feels guilty because she constantly cheats on her diet while David feels guilty if he doesnt eat everything on his plate because his father is a Holocaust survivor.
Ron feels guilty because he works too much and doesnt spend enough time with his children yet Emily feels guilty that she caters too much to her kids schedules and has turned them into tyrants.
Boiled down to its simplest terms, guilt is that feeling that haunts us when our ideal of who we should be or what we should do differs from the reality of who we really are.
Guilt can be found in any place, relationship or action in our lives from the food we do or dont eat, to the things we do or dont say and the traditions we observe or dont.
Conventional guilt generally emerges from feelings of low self-esteem and negative self-worth.
From my anecdotal research, I found that most people suffer from two types of guilt that I define as not enough and too much.
The not enough guilt syndrome is when we feel bad about not doing enough for others, not spending enough time with family, not exercising enough and, my personal favorite, not feeling guilty enough!
The too muchguilt syndrome surfaces from things like spending too much, eating too much, working too much or complaining too much, as well as from feeling that we have too much but dont really deserve it.
Jewish guilt is different.
It is born from a moral awareness and evolves through feelings of obligation to something bigger. Whether it is a sense of responsibility to the Jewish people, Israel, G-d, special foods or traditions, Jews feel guilty on a regular basis.
In fact, we have 613 guilt trippers (a.k.a. mitzvot) to contend with, as well as guilt that is institutionalized as part of the Jewish calendar and liturgy.
Every year on Rosh Hashanah and the following ten days of repentance, we are required to ask ourselves soul-searching questions, the answers to which often make us feel guilty.
Questions like:
Am I living a meaningful life?
Am I on the right path?
Am I being kind enough, giving enough, caring enough to those around me?
Can I be better person a more compassionate friend, attentive daughter or supportive spouse?
On Yom Kippur, we pound our chests during the service and say I am guilty of this, I am guilty of that and recite, in alphabetical order, sins ranging from arrogance and bigotry.
We even acknowledge sins we have never committed, in a sort of sinning solidarity with our Jewish brothers and sisters.
No one is singled out as being more culpable or reprehensible than anyone else.
As a community, we say that we havent done our best; and by saying it together we acknowledge that all of us are human, flawed, and make mistakes.
Is this form of guilt necessarily a bad thing? Jewish guilt can be a healthy response if we use it as our tradition intended as a catalyst for change.
As Jews, we have a mechanism that can make us not only feel better, but become better. That tool is called teshuvah, which means turning, changing, repenting.
Our rabbis understood that the most optimistic thing about humanity is our capacity to change.
Teshuvah recognizes that all of us, no matter how rich or poor, young or old, observant or secular, have the potential to change. Each year we acknowledge that it is never too late to get it right.
Judaism has a Four Point Plan for change that is as wise and effective as any Ive heard from modern day gurus. I call it A.A.R.P., which stands for Ask, Answer, Regret and Prepare.
ASK yourself hard personal questions, ANSWER them honestly, REGRET what you have done and express it to those you have hurt, and PREPARE to make meaningful changes.
Change is always hard, but committing to positive change is what makes us realize that we have the power, throughout our life, to live with meaning and purpose.
Jewish guilt is meant to inspire us to be able to make positive changes. Our sages said it beautifully when they wrote:
The loudest sound in the universe is that of a person breaking an old, negative behavior and putting a new, positive one it its place.
