I HAVE no doubt that everyone of us has been offered an apology that was completely insincere, with the expectation to rub salt in the wound that we would accept it, and graciously, and then move on.
Apologies fake and sincere are far from a simple matter. These apologies that we are supposed to make before Yom Kippur, if were truly serious about it, engage our self-image, our ego, our capacity for honesty and our fear of rejection.
Does anyone really apologize?
The answer, no doubt, is yes, but before you put yourself in that category, consider:
Is an apology an apology if its designed to make me, the apologizer, feel better? Or is an apology about the person who has been hurt?
Or is it both?
Is there anything wrong with both parties coming away feeling better?
Is the following comment by Erica Brown just a cynical one, or is she onto something?
We apologize for a lot of reasons that have nothing to do with the truth: to get out of trouble, because it is expected, to end an argument, out of politeness, to repair a relationship, to move on. These are all valid reasons but are not honest responses; when we apologize for any of these reasons, we are not necessarily engaging in a serious reckoning on a specific problem.
All of the above is certainly true. However, is it not also true that sometimes the embarrassment is just so great on both sides that a few words of apology, however awkwardly mumbled, however inadequately sincere, are absolutely necessary?
Is it not sometimes true that, for an infinity of reasons, nothing more is possible, or even desirable, than a few mumbled words?
There is an opposite issue, that of rote. I apologize to a person whom, maybe, slightly, possibly, I offended once. Yet, Im running around a few days before Yom Kippur apologizing relentlessly. I apologize to people for some peccadillo so small that the supposedly offended party doesnt even remember but, after all, its the eve of Yom Kippur, so I have to apologize!
Do not these rote apologies blunt my capacity to scrutinize my past for the apologies that really need to be made?
Then there are the apologies that we dont know we need to make. We really hurt someone, and dont realize it. If I was on the receiving end of an obtusely administered hurt, should I tell the person who hurt me? Is that the way to repair the relationship? What if I am uncertain that the other person is able to hear that he hurt me? Or what if I know for sure that the other person is not able to hear such a thing, must I suffer in silence, even on erev Yom Kippur?
More from Erica Brown again, perhaps cynicism, perhaps penetrating truth:
Every year, we find ourselves asking forgiveness from the same people for the same offenses. Every year, we recommit ourselves to work on the same self-improvement projects weve pledged ten times before. Every year, on wedding anniversaries, we celebrate the number of years we have had the same argument. Is it any wonder that we confess to empty confessions every Yom Kippur? For the sin we committed before You with verbal confession.
In other words, do we really mean it?
Another issue: For me, the apologizer, to be sincere, or for my apology to be well received, must my apology include an explanation? Is the injured party more assuaged by hearing me acknowledge what I did? Or does that just reopen the wound?
I CANNOT untangle all of these issues. Many of them depend on the infinite gradations of personality in the people involved. I offer a simple, some Im sure would say simplistic, alternative. Its analogy runs something like this: The best way to get cured is not to get sick to start with to take care of yourself, to watch your diet, to discipline your consumption, to exercise.
Similarly, the best way to avoid the complexities of the truly appropriate apology is to think a bit more often, and carefully, before uttering something and before doing something.
The best apology is the one that has no need to be given for the injury that was not inflicted.
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