I had a dream. I was in the box seat of Heaven. It was after 120. Time for the ultimate judgment. Fear and trembling.
An angel appeared and bombarded me with the first question: “Did you go to enough community dinners?”
“Uh . . . yes. I think so. I hope so. Uh . . . I didn’t know this was so important.”
“Too late to realize that now! So, which dinners did you go to? Come on now, better list them all.”
“Well, I did squeeze in the Men’s Event, the JCC dinner, the Yeshiva dinner; and the annual dinners of Shalom Park, BMH-BJ, Rocky Mountain Jewish Historical Society, DAT, Denver Jewish Day School . . . ”
“What? That’s it?” the angel shouts, piercing my eyes.
“OK, OK, also the HEA art show, the ADL art show, the Beth Jacob parlor meeting, American Jewish Committee luncheon; the annual events of EDOS, Kavod Senior Life, Kollel, Boulder JCC, Mizel Institute, Hillel Academy . . . ”
“What a poor showing,” the angel grimaces. “It’s not looking good for you,” the angel continues curtly, turning its head toward a big sign that reads, “Gehinnom Gate.”
I’m shaking in my boots.
I’m scratching my memory for all it’s worth.
“Oh, yes,” I add with not too much confidence, but summoning everything I’ve got, “there was also Choices, which even though it was for women I went to once, and the Rose Garden luncheon, which even though it was for women I also went to once. I also went to TJE’s Wine and Cheese, Reel Hope, the Israel investment seminar, Chabad of Colorado dinner, JFS executive luncheon, Hillel of Colorado dinner . . . ”
“Keep going,” the angel thunders as it nods skeptically but seemingly honorably, perhaps giving me another chance.
“Oh, right. I also attended Jewish concerts, mitzvah manias, film festivals, JCRC luncheons, Rose Hospital luncheons, civil rights luncheons, melaveh malkas, Ramah in the Rockies fundraisers . . . ”
“A bit better,” the angel grudgingly concedes, “but still not good enough! Don’t you have anything more to say for yourself? You didn’t dis the community, did you?” the angel charges, angry again.
“ Heaven Forbid! (Excuse me; parenthetically, am I allowed to say Heaven Forbid in Heaven?) Of course, I didn’t dis the community. I also went to the Rockies Jewish Night, the Nuggets Jewish Night, the Stock Show Jewish Night, and I couldn’t get into the Bronco Super Bowl but I did the next best thing and watched it on TV! . . . ”
“Yes, yes . . .” the angel hammers impatiently, waiting for more.
“ . . . the Holocaust Awareness Institute dinner, the Survivor’s memorial service, the Club of New Americans remembrance, the Governor’s Holocaust remembrance, the Babi Yar Park remembrance, the Israel Yom Hazikaron . . . ”
“That’s better, that’s better . . . ”
Maybe I’ll make it after all, so I keep going.
“Of course, how could I forget the AIPAC breakfast? the JNF breakfast? the Rose Community Foundation breakfast? the Genocide Awareness breakfast? Super Sunday? Israel Awareness Day? the Israel Independence Day Walk? the Jerusalem Day program? I went to them all!”
Working up my nerve now, I add, “faithfully. I went to these community events all the time!”
“But you didn’t list the Leadville Cemetery Clean-up!”
Gulp.
The angel is right.
I didn’t go to the Leadville Cemetery Clean-up.
“You don’t even care for the dead — boy, you’ll find out how important that is around here. Didn’t go to the Leadville Cemetery clean-up? What a failure! I think we’ll have to cancel you,” the angel says abruptly, turning toward the Gehinnom Gate again.
When all seems lost, I pipe up with confidence.
“But I was not allowed to go!
“It’s genealogy. I am a descendant of Aaron the High Priest, not allowed to be in cemeteries. Surely you didn’t expect me to break G-d’s law even if it meant ruining my paltry attendance record at annual dinners, events, meetings, lectures, festivals, breakfasts, luncheons, concerts, melaveh malkas, public Chanukah candlelightings, fundraisers . . . ?
“Besides, I did send a check for the Golden Hill Cemetery clean-up, which I also was not allowed to go to for the same reason.
“However,” I have to be honest (if not now, when?), “sometimes there were two dinners on one night, so at the headquarters of my community space we divided them up among our staff in order to cover them all.”
“What?” the angel shrieks indignantly. “You consciously skipped out on a community dinner?!”
“To be in two places at one time is one of my long-terms goals,” I offer in my defense.
“Long term, long shmerm! This is the long term, right here! If you didn’t get it done by now, it’s too late.”
Miraculously, the angel stops ranting. I didn’t dis the community by not going to the cemetery clean-ups. I didn’t figure out how to be at two places at once. As for the rest . . .
“All right, all right,” the angel cools down, “I’ll take your list of annual dinners, events, meetings, lectures, festivals, breakfasts, luncheons, concerts, melaveh malkas, public Chanukah candlelightings and fundraisers back to the Boss and see if it’s good enough to let you into Heaven.”
I wait. Seemingly forever. Actually, I guess it was forever.
The angel returns.
“OK. The Boss says you’re good for half the requirement. Jewish dinners. You pass. Barely. But you still need to pass the larger community dinner season. What’s your score there?”
My heart sinks. I’m not even absorbing this. I thought I was in.
“Uh, what’s that? What’s the new list?”
“You well know!” the angels thunders again. “Your Denver community. Your secular community. What about that?”
I have to think fast.
“Colorado Business Hall of Fame dinner,” I begin, scratching my head, then remembering, “DU Law Stars dinner, Denver Metro Chamber, Colorado Press Association . . . ”
I keep thinking fast, but this one threw me for a loop.
“ . . . Beaux Arts Ball, East High School Hall of Fame dinner, Open Door Youth Gang Alternatives (20 times!), Clinica Tepeycac, Melanoma Gala . . . ”
They’re still not letting me in. But they’re not sending me to Gehinnom, either.
Will I make it? Stay tuned. But either way, I hope I have conveyed something from Above that everybody really, really needs to know: Just because you went to 812 community events, don’t think you’re a cinch to get into Heaven.
You’ve just got to stop underserving your community.
. . . and, alas, I did underserve it. Look, after 120, the memory isn’t what it used to be and I’m killing myself (if that’s possible up here) trying to remember: Did I go to the annual events of Aish Denver, Center for Judaic Studies, Temples Emanuel and Sinai, CAJE, Ekar Farm, Rodef Shalom? Did I dis the Matzah Ball, Boulder Jewish festival and annual meetings of NCJW, JEWISHcolorado and Hadassah? Did I overlook the performances of Colorado Hebrew Chorale and Jewish Women’s Theater Co? I’m dizzy trying to recall grand openings, graduations, picnics, major league dreidel spins, retreats, Purim carnivals, wellness workshops, disability sensitivity trainings, extravaganzas, aging conferences — IJN mayoral forums, BMH-BJ cholent cook-offs, Temple Micah latke taste-offs . . . and to think, it took an angel to straighten me out when I didn’t have a clue just how important dinner season is.
Rabbi Hillel Goldberg may be reached at hillel@ijn.com.
Copyright © 2017 by the Intermountain Jewish News
