Top 10 signs you were at a GOP — or Democratic — seder

One set of these Top 10 seder signs I took straight from the internet — update: Steven Richard Sheffey is the author — and had a good chuckle; the other set of Top Ten seder signs I wrote myself, and also had a good chuckle.

In the spirit of bipartisanship, each one of the Top 10 signs of the GOP seder and each of the corresponding 10 signs of the Democratic seder is listed together. Like the four sons, I shall sit them down together.

However, even though I am already like a man 70-years-old, I still don’t know which son is wicked and which is wise, or which is very simple and which needs to be instructed. You decide.
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GOP 10. They refuse to answer the four questions without a subpoena.

Democratic 10: Joe Biden can’t answer one question, let alone four.

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GOP 9: They demand a recount of the 10 plagues.

Democratic 9. What Pharaoh deserved was not 10 plagues, but bail reform.

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GOP8. They defend not increasing the minimum wage on the grounds that according to Chad Gadya it still costs only two zuzzim to buy a goat.

Democratic 8. According to Chag Gadya, they see the Angel of Death behind every Supreme Court nominee not their own.

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GOP 7. The afikomen is hidden in the Caymen Islands.

Democratic 7. The reward for finding the afikomen is $1 trillion.

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GOP 6. They refuse to open the door for Elijah until they see his immigration papers.

Democratic 6. Elijah gives all immigrants hope, as every door is open to him no matter what.

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GOP 5. They attack Moses for negotiating a deal with Pharoah because why would we negotiate with our enemies?

Democratic 5. They love Moses because he thought he could break Pharaoh’s brutality with a magic stick.

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GOP 4. They don’t understand why the Egyptians didn’t cure the plagues with hydroxychloroquine.

Democratic 4. They don’t understand that for all the criticism directed at Warp Speed, it produced a vaccine that works, Dayenu.

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GOP 3. They omit the parts about slavery from the Haggadah because it reminds them of Critical Race Theory.

Democratic 3. They love the parts about slavery because it leapfrogs past history to get to inequity and reparations.

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GOP 2. They keep saying “when do we get to the miracle of the Jewish space lasers?”

Democratic 2. They keep saying, let’s not split the middle matzah, let’s give the whole thing away.

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And the number one sign that you might be at a Republican seder:

1. They end the seder by singing “Next year in Mar-a-Lago.”

And the number one sign that you might be at a Democratic seder:

1. They end the seder by singing, “Next year in Jaffe-free, er, ah, Gaffe-Free, er, Jerusalem.”

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Incidentally, in case you think we live in uniquely polarized times, take caution from the words the Prophet Ezekiel (16:6) cited in the Haggadah, duly doubled, no doubt intended for each side: “And I told you, ‘In your blood you shall wallow,’ and I told you, ‘In your blood you shall wallow.”