“We just traded Nolan Arenado to the St. Louis Cardinals!”
“Great move. We got four — count them up, four! — Minor Leaguers, plus one pitcher, in return. Deal of the century!”
“Reminds me of my grandfather, who captured the moon in his water barrel — you could look right in the barrel at midnight and see the moon! I told him to sell it right away. But he didn’t listen. By morning, someone had stolen it.”
The standard level of discussion in Chelm, the mythical Jewish village somewhere in Eastern Europe, wasn’t so mythical, after all. It migrated straight to the front office of the Colorado Rockies, long known for unloading its best and most popular players, never to see their vaunted replacements add up to a hill of beans. Chelm is alive and well!
Troy Tulowitzki — he’s down in the record books with the rarest record of all: an unassisted triple play. His grace in the field was matched by his power at the plate. Naturally, the Rockies had to get rid of him. And for whom? Nobody even remembers. Nobody said the residents of Chelm were known for their memory. Who might these current residents of Chelm be? The front office of the Colorado Rockies knows: you and me. Or, at least, that’s what the front office takes us for.
Which is why we, the long suffering Colorado Rockies’ fans, smack dab in the middle of our 19th rebuilding effort, could only welcome the recent trade of Arenado. Great move indeed! — because it confirmed our status as the Major League leader in that unique statistic in the MLB rule book: Chelm Baseball Perception, Practice, and Perfection.
The deal of the century is even better than it looks. Chelm would be proud and, we dare say, a bit envious. Really, where is the precedent for the team that is trading away the star player also paying for the privilege? Yep, you read that right. Instead of getting some cash from the Cards for Arenado, the Rockies are shoveling a barrel of cash to the Cards. And when we say cash, we mean cash! Like, some $50 million or so, straight from the Rockies to the Cards, for the privilege of unloading Arenado. You read that right! This really sweetens our reputation; although, we acknowledge, it does smack of treason.
Oh, pardon us. We forgot to resummon Matt Holliday, that other Rockies star whom we were fortunate to trade many years back, also in return for nobody remembers whom. Good as he was, though, Holliday didn’t have the status of Arenado’s eight — count them up, eight! — consecutive Golden Gloves. Chelm just keeps on improving.
Talk about having a bad memory, we also forgot to resummon DJ LeMahieu. He had the highest battering average in the National League, so of course he had to go. It wouldn’t be right for the Rockies to overexert themselves to keep LeMahieu; it would just make too much sense. There is only one word for common sense in Chelm: not.
There’s one mystery here. The front office in St. Louis is crowing. They already have an all star infield. They’re already contenders for pennants and World Serieses. What do they need Arenado for? Maybe — let us be kind — they just wanted to help out the Chelmites at Coors Field, help them bolster their already well deserved reputation, help demonstrate that Chelm back in Europe wasn’t all it was cracked up to be — the best was yet to come.
Actually, there is another mystery: Why did the Rockies allow Todd Helton to spend his entire career in Denver? Think of how much better it would have been had the Rockies unloaded him. Now that really would have been a zinger. A real medal for Chelm. The tops. The highest. The stupidest, truly. At least we can console ourselves that Helton retired long ago and the Rockies haven’t made the same mistake twice. Trading Arenado proves that!
That’s why we’re confident in saying: Keep the faith, the best is yet to come. More moves from the Rockies front office are sure to tickle our sides and polish our good name for sheer folly all around the league.
Nolan, thanks for leaving. It’s your last great contribution to Denver.
Copyright © 2021 by the Intermountain Jewish News
