I saw the blinking light on my answering machine and listened to the frantic voice of my girlfriend, Debbie, as I put the groceries away. Heeeeeelp! Jason says he doesnt want to do his Bar Mitzvah anymore. Weve got the date and the place, Ive hired the D.J. and hes already begun to prepare. Hes making me crazy. What should I do? Call me.
Wow, what a bummer, I thought to myself. What would I have done if my son had said, No, thanks, Mom. Im not into Bar Mitzvahs. Or my daughter had decided she really didnt want the pressure and would do cheerleading instead.
Would I have forced, cajoled or guilt-tripped them into having one because I knew that they would be sorry later? Or would I have made them feel lousy for not completing a commitment that they had agreed to when they were in Jewish pre-school?
The answer is yes, and no. Yes because I know how important it is to teach our children about doing things that may not be fun but have a much more important meaning to them, as members of the family and the Jewish community. And no, because of an experience I had recently that changed my mind about when is the right time to have a Bar or Bat Mitzvah.
This past year I taught a group of college students who expressed an interest in having a Bar-Bat Mitzvah. Each one had a story to share about why they hadnt done it earlier in their lives. Some, like Debbies son Jason, didnt want one when they were younger because they werent ready to commit to the hard work and study. Others came from interfaith families where it wasnt an option or from Jewish communities to which they didnt feel connected.
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