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A different take on the ‘light’ of Chanukah

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When I think of a Jewish family holiday I think of Passover, the seder, the family gathered around, the focus on kids, Mah Nishtanah, the competition among family members to come up with the best take on a passage in the Haggadah or the best way to apply one of its lessons today.

I never thought of Chanukah as a heavy family holiday, even with the festive Menorah lightings and Chanukah parties. I think of Chanukah as a relatively short period in a limited part of the day: night. Along came Rabbi Ari Sytner and made me rethink.

He argues that marriage is at the heart of Chanukah — marriage, which is the foundation of the family.

First of all, he cites a talmudic debate as to how many Chanukah candles are to be lit on each night of Chanukah. One of the lesser known Jewish laws is that eight candles are not required. Only a single candle is required each night, with no candles added as the nights go by. The common practice is to add one candle each night, up to eight nights, but it is not required.

Except the Talmud does not put it this way. The Talmud does not say:

Light one candle per night. Or: Light an additional candle each night.

Rather, the Talmud says: Light one candle “for the person and his household.” Or: Add a candle each night “for the person and his household.”

In some way, Chanukah is about the household, the family.

The same talmudic page that lays down the number of candles “for the person and his household” also says: “One who is accustomed to lighting [Shabbos and Chanukah] candles will have children who are Torah scholars.”

Another family connection — between kindling these candles and raising good kids. But what’s the family connection to Chanukah?

A deeper look into the holiday reveals more than the story of a single flask of oil remaining in the desecrated, ancient Holy Temple; and more than a war by the Maccabees for religious freedom. Chanukah also marks the end to the desecration of the Jewish family.

Short of murdering Jews, there was no greater anti-Semitic tactic than that of the ancient Greeks. “The foremost goal of the Greeks was to unravel the Jewish family,” writes Rabbi Sytner. “By enacting decrees aimed at the eradication of circumcision, Shabbos and Rosh Chodesh, the natural flow of the Jewish home would become permanently disrupted.” And more. As Rashi (on the same talmudic page) records: “The Greeks decreed that all Jewish brides must first be defiled by a Greek officer.”

Rabbi Sytner:

“Through the Greek’s abhorrent practice of violating all Jewish brides, the sanctity of the Jewish marriage would become forever tainted.

“No longer could husband and wife turn to one another in holiness, but rather they would turn away from one another with trauma and shame.

“Thus it is the salvation of the Jewish home and marriage that represents the underyling victory of Chanukah.”

In what sense is this salvation marked by lighting candles?

Rabbi Sytner, a marriage counselor, takes us from antiquity to the present, and from flame to metaphor. Harmony between husband and wife cannot be achieved in darkness.

Sytner cites research that 66% to 93% of communication is non-verbal.

One researcher in particular, who has studied 3,000 couples, “can observe a couple talking for 15 minutes and amazingly, within the first three minutes of the conversation, predict with over 90% accuracy whether that couple will ultimately divorce.”

He is not just looking at the conversation per se, but also at non-verbal communication, at body language, facial expressions, eye contact, active listening and the ability to turn toward one another. And so, is a home filled with proverbial darkness — physical, emotional or verbal abuse — or is it filled with light — safe space and healthy communication, including non-verbal communication?

On Chanukah we place primary importance on another form of non-verbal communication — on light, actual light, because Chanukah candles recall the end to the desecration of Jewish marriage in ancient Greece. With the light comes harmony in the household. Similarly, according to some, Shabbos candles are to nurture shalom bayit, harmony in the home.

With Chanukah and Shabbos light, with a household filled with physical, spiritual and emotional light, kids are taught the power of human relationships. The kids turn out well.

So that little phrase, “for a person and his household,” is an intentional phrase, not just an address for the location of the Chanukah candles. This makes the mitzvah of Chanukah unique. It is not like tzedakah, or tefilin, or kashrut, or blessings before eating, or wearing a tallit, or fasting on Yom Kippur, all of which a person can do by himself. Of course, a person can also light a Chanukah menorah by himself, but the emphasis is on “the person and his household.” On the family. On lighting together. Thus, the story of Chanukah is not only the ancient home of G-d rededicated, but also the rededication of our own homes.

Perhaps that is why, of all the mitzvahs in the Torah, bar none, only Chanukah is universally observed in its strictest form, with an eight-candle menorah. I have never heard of a single Jew who makes do by lighting one single candle per night, per household. Never happens. Whoever is lighting Chanukah candles — religious, secular or “Just Jewish” — is using an eight-candle menorah.

We strive for the highest level because the Jewish household and the harmony therein, the loving nature of the relationship therein, is a top goal that all Jews respect and hope to embody. Chanukah represents that goal.

Rabbi Ari Sytner’s article, “Igniting a Marriage through the Lights of Chanukah and Shabbos,” appeared in “Torah To-Go,” Chanukah, 5779.

Sytner is an adjunct professor at the Wurzweiler School of Social Work.

Copyright © 2019 by the Intermountain Jewish News



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