I count myself amongst the most fortunate of “Fifty Somethings” because both of my parents are still alive. Sometimes this weighs heavily on me, like when my mother leaves multiple messages on my answering machine because I haven’t called her back –– within the hour.
Or when my father tells me a joke for the umpteenth time and is annoyed if I blurt out the punch line.
But I would take these “problems” any day of the week over the alternative, and relish the simple pleasure of hearing dad answer the phone, even though he predictably hands it over to mom to do the talking.
Recently I had one of the most difficult conversations with my parents that any child, even a Baby-Booming adult, can have. No matter what age or stage of life we are in, talking to our parents about their wishes regarding death requires true emotional strength.
Yet that conversation is both important and essential. It gives our parents the opportunity to express their desires, while affording us a chance to question, understand and honor our parents’ wishes and values.
Jewish tradition teaches that it is a mitzvah “to carry out the directions of the deceased.”
This has been interpreted as creating a legal obligation when it comes to disposing of a parent’s assets, similar to respecting the provisions that would be contained in a will.
In addition, a parent’s instructions on matters of burial are considered obligatory unless they violate Jewish law.
THERE are certain directives, however, which are not legally binding under Jewish law, are morally expected because they are intended to help the child.
For example, when a dying parent instructs a child not to cut off relations with other family members or tells him to avoid drinking excessively, Jewish law intends for that child to honor his parent’s wishes because they are for the child’s benefit and ensure shalom bayit, or peace in the home.
When a parent offers wisdom and guidance to a child prior to death, it is most often with the hope that the child will embrace the values that the parent has cherished and pass them on to future generations.
In Judaism, there is a name for this: L’Dor v Dor. Since Biblical times, Jewish parents have attempted to leave a moral imprint on their children, which today we call an “ethical will.”
AN ethical will is an informal document in which a parent bequeaths, not property or possessions, but wisdom, values and spiritual guidance to his children.
Through stories, examples and meaningful life lessons, a parent can transmit a legacy of the values he holds most dear in the hope that his children will embrace these ideals in their own lives. It is meant to inspire, enlighten and encourage, but not to punish, harass, blame or control a child “from the grave.”
There are no formal requirements when writing an ethical will. It can be written, typed or, if a person is no longer able to write, recorded or taped. It can be written all at once or in segments, using lifecycle events such as Bar Mitzvahs, graduations, weddings and births, as a time of reflection and composition.
In some instances, it is appropriate to write a single ethical will for the entire family, but in others, it may be wiser to write separate wills for each child.
Since an ethical will can be given to a child at any time during his or her life, a parent can decide when it will be most meaningful for a child to receive it.
An ethical will is a window to the soul; it provides a wonderful opportunity to share the ideas, events, people and experiences that have shaped one’s life.
For those who have writer’s block or find it difficult to begin, a good place to start is by reading examples of ethical wills. So That Your Values Live On – Ethical Wills and How to Prepare Them, by Jack Riemer and Nathaniel Stampfer, is a superb resource.
It is never too late to begin sharing the story of your life and an ethical will is a great place to start. In doing so, you will create a gift, for yourself and your family, for generations to come.
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